


The Force: A Scientific Approach (by General Hux)

by CathrineMcCord



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Also quite a bit of Angst, But Hux is having none of his bullshit, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Force-Sensitive Hux, Kylo finally gets to teach someone, M/M, Post TFA, Slow Burn, and galaxy domination
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-21 08:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6044128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CathrineMcCord/pseuds/CathrineMcCord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What did you think would happen? That you teach me the ways of the mighty Force and I become one of your loyal Knights of Ren?” Hux bites out, his own anger cool and calculated.</p><p>Ren just stares at him, eyebrows drawn, chest still heaving.</p><p>“Because I can tell you right now – that won’t happen. I will learn to control this, with or without your help, and then I will return to the Finalizer to command my fleet and hunt down the Resistance once and for all. And the only difference will be that I will now personally be able to keep you from doing any more property damage.”</p><p>___________________________________________________________________________________</p><p>Or the one where Hux develops Force Sensitivity late in life and is oh so fucking wrong about his above assessment of the situation (he deals with it though because he is awesome as fuck). This is the result of what happens when I put a lot of thought into how Hux would react when his life goes to shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Archived Memories File One

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _STARKILLER-BASE_ ~~END~~ ]**

When he sees Ren lying there in the snow, blood pooling underneath him, he thinks about his father’s strong belief in natural selection. The earth cracks underneath his feet, the planet collapsing in on itself, the forest around them ablaze. They have mere seconds. He knows he could just leave Ren here. Snoke would be livid, yes, but he will be livid anyways and in the end nobody could really blame Hux for simply not having enough time to evacuate everyone from Starkiller Base.

He still ends up barking the order to hoist Ren into the shuttle. He follows them in quick, sure strides, the soles of his boots dragging through the blood soaked snow. He knows that if he really would have taken his father’s beliefs to heart, he would have needed to acknowledge his own failure and lie down there beside Ren, waiting for the earth to swallow them whole.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _SHUTTLE TO FINALIZER_ ]**

“Commandant,” he says, back straight and words pressed, “Starkiller has fallen.”

He stands at attention in front of the small comm-station of the shuttle, hands clasped so tightly behind his back his wrists scream in pain. The right side of his face is illuminated by the glow of the imploding planet behind them.

He thought the pain in his chest couldn’t get any worse, thought that a failure like this could not weigh on him any more than it already did. But he watches the holo-projection of his father’s face flicker in front of him – silent, speechless – and he feels like the inside of his chest is bursting into a million pieces. ~~He feels heartsick.~~

“Understood.” The holo-projection of his father says after what feels like an eternity. The static of the transmission makes his tone of voice unreadable. “I will require a full report.”

He opens his mouth to reply, but the transmission is shaky at best and is cut off before he can get a word out. He salutes nevertheless. It seems the right thing to do.

The shuttle is eerily silent after that.

There is something at the back of his mind: a terror gripping and real ~~and not his~~ , but pale in comparison to the million pieces rattling inside his chest. For a second he thinks he will fall to his knees, right then and there, into the puddle of snow and blood that melted under the soles of his boots.

He keeps standing straight, as if an invisible power is holding him up.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 1_ ]**

It starts that night. He dreams, violently, jerking upright in his bed, breath coming in short hectic gasps. He can’t grasp the contents of the dream, but he knows with absolute certainty that it wasn’t his own. ~~He never dreams.~~

Once his breathing returns to normal he gets out of bed to splash cold water on his face ~~and to shake the memory.~~ He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His currently most striking feature, apart from his hair being in disarray and the sheen of sweat clinching to the back of his neck, is the deep purple under his eyes. The observation calms him. It makes him able to dismiss the incident as a side effect of exhaustion.

When he goes back to sleep there is still an echo of horror lodged inside his chest. He calms himself with the knowledge that it isn’t his. ~~It’s still terrifying.~~

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 2 - DAY_ ]**

Exhaustion or not, he keeps to a strict schedule.

The ship’s morale is low. Even though they evacuated everyone they could, there were still a lot of casualties. Many lost their comrades and friends. He sees a varying degree of blame in the eyes of everyone he passes. He embraces it, standing taller and giving them a silent outlet for their pain. ~~He feels guilty.~~

He goes to see Ren when he has no excuses left not to. Snoke’s order is following him like a shadow. He wonders what would have happened if he wouldn’t have followed it. Would he have been able to change something? Save more members of his staff? ~~Avoid the pain in his chest?~~

In the end he ~~tries not to~~ doesn’t dwell on it. He saved Ren, brought him here to the Finalizer and had his life saved by what was left of his medical staff. They did a good job, too. He looks nearly peaceful now, wrapped in bandages and tucked neatly into the medical-pod. They tell him that they were able to close the wound on his side, but that they are afraid they have too little experience with lightsaber burns to correctly treat the cut on his face. There will be a scar. But otherwise he will make a full recovery, they are certain. Ren is strong, they say. It sounds like they want to reassure him. ~~Like they think he cares.~~

He stands above Ren, hands firmly clasped behind his back.

 

 _I could have left you for dead_ , he thinks and wonders if that is true.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 2 - NIGHT_ ]**

The dreams come back. He has complete faith in the knowledge that these are not his, but he still finds himself grabbing onto his sheets in an attempt not to be dragged under by the emotions rushing through him. Anger. Pain. Uncertainty. Hope. Determination. Sorrow.

 

 _I’m being torn apart_ , he thinks while he is gasping for breath.

 

He doesn’t dare to get out of bed this time. He feels like his legs would probably give out. ~~He fears what is lurking in the dark.~~

 _It’s ok. You are alright. It was just a dream._ He keeps repeating it like a mantra in his head. He is not sure if it’s entirely for his own benefit.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 3_ ]**

Ren is awake. According to the report, he blew apart every medical instrument around him upon waking.

When asks why they haven’t informed him about this incident right away, they tell him that it suddenly just stopped. Ren fell back into sleep as if someone had sung him a lullaby.

That night, when he wakes up with a scream stuck in his throat, he chants the mantra right away.

 

There are no more incidents.  

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 4_ ]**

They are nearly at Snoke’s hideaway. Or at least as far as they will ever go. The actual location is unknown to anyone but Ren.

He stands before Snoke on the Holo-Deck of the Finalizer. It seems ridiculous to talk to him like this, when the Supreme Leader is just a shuttle ride away. He stands at perfect attention nevertheless.

 

_You will outfit Ren with a shuttle and send him on his way to me._

_With all due respect Supreme Leader, Ren is still recovering, even a three hour shuttle ride could—_

_You will send him to me right away, General._

 

He can’t remember when the urge to protest a higher ranking official was so strong. Especially when he can’t grasp its origin.

 _Yes, Supreme Leader_ , he says, bowing his head in obedience. ~~It feels wrong.~~

Later, amongst other things, he will wonder how he knew that the shuttle ride to Snoke would take exactly three hours without knowing his location.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 4 – CONT._ ]**

When he goes to fetch Ren, the younger man is already fully dressed. The mask is gone, pulverized in the collapse of Starkiller-Base. He supposes they all lost something that day. It is still unnerving to see Ren without it. He can count the times he has on the fingers of one hand.

The bandage they put over his face is gone and the burn shines vividly red.

“The shuttle is ready,” he says without feeling the need to ask how Ren knew about Snoke’s request. ~~He knows already.~~

“Thank you,” Ren says and he can’t shake the feeling that he means something else.

Ren leaves the Finalizer in the shuttle provided for him.

 

The dreams stop.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 5_ ]**

The headaches start.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 7_ ]**

They receive new orders from Snoke. They are ridiculously banal. Scout the Outer Rim for a sight to possibly build a new base. Be on the lookout for possible Resistance Outposts.

Non of this strictly requires a ship as vast as the Finalizer. ~~Or his expertise.~~

If he wasn’t about to throw up a third time that day, he would probably have questioned it.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 8_ ]**

His father receives a full report of the events that lead up to the destruction of Starkiller Base. It’s a personalized report, more extensive than the official one. For the Commandants eyes only.

He knows that this report is not mandatory, but he still waits anxiously for a reply.

It never comes.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 10_ ]**

He gives a rousing speech about rising from the ashes.

He executes it perfectly, but he can feel it lacking in conviction.

 

The headache won’t stop.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 12_ ]**

Captain Phasma visits him at his quarters. She never does that. ~~Not since they were kids.~~

“General,” she says, “I don’t mean to overstep, but quite frankly, I’m worried.”

He is grateful that she leaves out the _about you_. He doesn’t need worrying about. ~~He can’t deal with it.~~

“Your concern has been noted, Captain. But there is no need for it.”

“You haven’t been eating, Sir. Nor sleeping.” She points out, more forcefully than would be appropriate. ”You keep staring into space when you think no one is looking. Like you are searching for something that isn’t there.”

He stays silent until she stands at full attention in front of him. She knows she is out of line.

“That will be all, Captain.” He says, and leaves his own quarters before she can.

When he comes back he finds pain medication on his desk that is definitely not the one they pass out in med bay.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 20_ ]**

The headache fades but it never goes away fully. It’s there, manifesting itself as a sensation at the back of his mind. It tugs and pulls and makes him feel like he is missing ~~a part of himself~~ something.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 28_ ]**

He doesn’t dream, but he still wakes up at night gasping.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 30_ ]**

He goes through the events on Starkiller Base again. He went through them before, multiple times; alone and with various members of his staff. He wrote reports and devised protocols  so that something like this won’t ever happen again.

He still feels like he is missing something. Like there are pieces he hasn’t set together correctly yet.

He ends up taking Starkiller Base apart piece by piece, pulling apart holographic blueprints to get to the bottom of the problem. There is no need to do it this way, not really. He knows that. If he could find it in him to fully concentrate, he could picture every detail in his mind. After all, he drew up most of the initial blueprints himself. His knack for engineering is what got him the command of the Starkiller Project in the first place.

It’s useless now. He stares at the core of it – at the exhaust port – knows the exact technicality of what happened, but still can’t grasp the thing that’s missing.

The feeling at the back of his mind makes him feel like he is spinning, circling around something, so close, so so close –

 

 

> **CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _REDACTED_ ]**
> 
> The exhaust port … could that have been responsible for the destruction of the Death-Star as well? They told him that it was the rebel army that was responsible for the weapon’s demise, that they were overpowering, ruthless, cruel. All his bedtime stories – manifests of the mindless slaughter orchestrated by the resistance.
> 
> But the exhaust port, this flaw, this tiny, tiny flaw, it would have needed just one pilot, small, ~~desperate.~~ No.
> 
> This is ridiculous. He would have known. There would have been something in the archives. Why wouldn’t there be something in the archives?
> 
> He would have known. ~~He knows now.~~
> 
>  
> 
> ~~_How does he know?_ ~~

 

– it spreads from his neck down his spine, floods his limbs. His palms are suddenly pulsing as if an electric current is running through them.

 

This is all the warning he get’s before the holo-projector in front of him blows up into a million tiny pieces.

 They fly all around him, flung into every corner of his quarters. One leaves a cut in his cheek.

 

He has no idea what just happened. ~~Yes he does.~~ And it terrifies him.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 30- SECONDS APART_ ]**

He tries to forget it, clean up the mess and get on with his duties. He feels like he’s been standing amidst the pieces of the broken Holo-Projector for hours. There is a sudden tiredness setting into him.

He manages to cross the room, intending to rinse out the cut on his cheek, but once he passes his bed, his mind seems to just shut down. His body takes over, collapsing on the mattress in a show of ungraceful exhaustion. His limbs feel heavy and numb, as if he dragged himself through one of Phasma’s training courses. The one she uses to break new recruits.

Before he is completely dragged under by exhaustion, he gets the sudden and intense feeling of missing ~~someone~~ something.

 

 _I never asked for this_ , he thinks.

 

 _I know_ , comes the faint reply, manifesting itself in his head as a far way sensation. It comes with an unbearable rush of comfort. He is conscious enough to hate it. ~~But he needs it.~~

 

In the morning he will be sure he dreamt it.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _FINALIZER DAY 31_ ]**

When he wakes up the next morning, it takes him more than one try to remember where he is. ~~Who he is.~~ He stares blankly at the blood smeared all across his pillow until he remembers that he cut his cheek.

The first real sensation that he feels is his comm-link buzzing in his uniform. He cannot remember when he had this many unanswered messages. Or when he last slept for over twelve hours straight.

He drags himself to the bathroom, cleans the cut on his face, showers, shaves, and spends a ridiculously long amount of time just looking into the mirror. He doesn’t look different. Not very.

 

He feels different.

No. Enough.

 

He gets dressed and departs for the bridge. Phasma is there, and it suddenly makes sense to him why nobody came to fetch him while he slept. She is standing at the edge of the bridge rather than the center and he joins her, before to many can spot him.

“I am going to visit the Commandant,” he says after the silence between them becomes unprofessional.

“Understood, Sir. I will prepare a shuttle right away.” He could be wrong, but he thinks she sounds relieved. She doesn’t ask if he will require someone to escort him. She knows he has to do this alone.

He takes a deep breath and then strides into the middle of the bridge with utmost confidence. Something akin to pride floods his chest as he watches his personnel stand at attention around him. He feels proud that they stand tall like this, in an hour so dark. He feels himself.

 

~~And also not.~~

 


	2. Archived Memories File Two

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _SHUTTLE TO_ LOCATION CLASSIFIED]**

He hasn’t operated a shuttle on his own in years. Everything goes without a hitch, but he still holds this fact responsible for how uneasy he sleeps on the trip.

He dreams about a forest, lush and green and deep enough to lose yourself in. He can feel cold stone under the soles of his bare feet. He should probably feel confused on how he got here, but the only thing rushing through him is a deep calm, as he turns to look at—

He wakes drenched in sweat ~~and feeling utterly alone.~~

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [LOCATION CLASSIFIED _DAY 1_ ]**

He knows it’s not strictly professional for a grown man and General of the First Order to feel nervous. But there is also no point in denying it. He looks down at himself one more time and straightens his already perfectly pressed uniform. Then he steps outside into the hangar of the Academy ship.

Commandant Hux is already waiting on him, standing tall in front of his no doubtedly top students. They are not called Commandant’s Cadets anymore, but they might as well be. In fact this whole ship might as well be its own secret society. Though smaller than usual academy ships, this is the one where the most promising cadets gather to finish their very promising education. This is the ship that holds future leaders.

“Commandant.” He salutes, back straight and hand clasped behind his back in a perfect show of posture.

“General.” His father gives a slight nod and he can feel him focusing on the bags under his son's eyes. On the still fresh cut on his cheek. For a second the whole hangar seems to hold their breath. Then the commandant smiles, ever so slightly.

“It is always good to see you.” He finally says and then gestures him to follow. He falls into his father’s stride easily. Well practiced.  Always two steps behind. “Even in times like these. Maybe especially so.”

“You know why I’m here?”

“The events on Starkiller. You wish to discuss them.”

“Precisely. The report, have you read it?”

The Commandant answers the question with a deep sigh. It’s so uncommon, he nearly trips into him when the older man comes to a sudden halt.

“You need sleep.” His father says. It sounds more like a command than a statement.

“I assure you, Sir, I’m am perfectly capable of—“

“I will see you tomorrow.”

He is left standing alone and confused in the hallway in front of his quarters. There is no sound logic behind his father’s behavior and that may just terrify him more than what is currently going on in his own head.

He ends up dreaming about the forest again. There is no calm there this time, only want for ~~someone~~ something. A deep gut wrenching feeling that only goes away as he—

 

When he wakes up this time around, the sheets around him are burned as if they have been struck by lightning. He buries his face into his pillow and screams.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [LOCATION CLASSIFIED _DAY 2_ ]**

The next day is mostly taken up by a tour of the ship.

He wants to talk to his father alone, go through the events on Starkiller step by step and make his father ~~help him~~ understand what happened. But he doesn’t ask, doesn’t request it. Eben though he could. Instead he follows the Commandant through every part of the ship, always two steps behind, watching attentively as he explains the current changes in the program. He feels a sort of peripheral jealousy for the cadets he’s shown. He hasn’t felt it since he was a little kid.

They don’t talk with each other. Not really. They won’t for days.

Every night he returns to his quarters, patience slowly turning into frustration despite his best intentions.

 

And every night …

 

~~He wakes up on the floor.~~

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [LOCATION CLASSIFIED _DAY 3_ ]**

 

… he dreams …

 

~~The lamp besides his bed breaks.~~

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [LOCATION CLASSIFIED _DAY 4_ ]**

 

… about the forest.

 

~~The furniture is knocked out of place.~~

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [LOCATION CLASSIFIED _DAY 5_ ]**

It takes five days until they finally find themselves alones in his father's office. He knows this is by design. He just doesn’t know why yet. ~~It frustrates him.~~ His father moves behind his desk and for a second it looks like he is going to sit down. In the end he stays standing. His hands are clasped behind his back, mirroring his son’s position.

“Commandant—“

“—I read the report.”

Something cold runs down his spine. Memories of his father scolding him as a kid run through his mind unbidden. They were ~~mostly~~ always warranted, but still. He stays silent and waits. Relinquishes power.

“Some of the views were rather, how do I put it? Radical.”

“Radical?” he blurts out, confusion loosening his tongue. He has been called radical before. It was meant as a compliment. This isn’t. He schools his features and clears his throat. “Could you clarify that, Sir?”

“While I agree with most of your assessments, you also expressed concerns about the command decisions of Supreme Leader Snoke,” his father starts, words deliberately even. “Some might say expressing concern about the Supreme Leader's orders is synonymous with questioning the First Order itself.”

“That is—“ he bites his tongue in time. The feeling at the back of his mind is there again. Pulling. Pushing. ~~Consuming.~~ He takes a deep breath, but when he speaks his words still bristle with emotions. “This is why you gave me a full tour isn’t it? To remind me of my training? To remind me what I was training for?”

He knows he is out of line, knows he needs to calm down, keep his emotions in check. There is a certain kind of difficulty to it when it seems like the person you look up to the most is accusing you of possibly becoming a traitor. ~~It hurts deeply.~~

His father stays silent. Expression unreadable.

Another breath. Stand straight. Shoulders squared, chin up. Show pride. ~~Hide pain.~~

“I would never go against the First Order. This is what I trained for, all my wishes and beliefs originate in the very heart of the Order’s mission. I’ve devoted my life to accomplishing its goals and will fight to my last breath to lead the galaxy into the peaceful order it deserves.”

The silence that follows is tense. Then, softly “I know,” and his father suddenly looks so old when saying it. “I know you would never betray the First Order.”

He should be relieved at that, but there is this feeling, this agonizing sensation crawling at the back of his neck, spreading, farther, farther down his spine, his hands bristling—

 

_Calm down._

 

“But what about Snoke?”

 

_I can’t._

 

The lamps above him burst into a million pieces.

 

For a second there is nothing. Pitch black silence.

Then the emergency lights flicker on, casting them in an unhealthy bluish glow.

The first thing he sees is the fear in his father’s eyes. It’s just too much.

“Commandant,” he says, straining for his voice not to waver. He bows his head as deep as it will go in hopes to hide his growing panic. “Thank you for your time and your thoughts on the Starkiller Project. I cannot tell you how much I appreciated your insights, but there is somewhere I need to be now. Please accept my apology for my early departure.”

He leaves after that, head still bowed, avoiding his father’s eyes. ~~He can’t take it.~~

 

He is not apt enough in the force yet to realize that his father’s fear is not off him, but for him.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _SHUTTLE TO ENDOR_ ]**

He stops denying it as soon as he punches in the coordinates to Endor, retrieved from a memory that is most definitely not his.

He is neither stupid, nor the type to run from the truth. He faces it. Head on. Always. ~~Does he?~~

These are the workings of the force. There is no other explanation for it, he knows that now. ~~He knew it already.~~

Maybe Snoke and Ren are playing a trick on him. Maybe this is their twisted way of testing if he is still fit to operate as General. If he will take this in stride or crumble to pieces.

Whatever game they are playing, he is giving it his full attention now.

 

And he is not the type to lose.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR ARRIVAL_ ]**

He brings the shuttle down on an old duracrete landing platform. You can still see the Imperial logo even through the cracks in the surface. From above he can make out the remains of a toppled AT-DP lying besides the platform. Nature has done a good job claiming it as hers. The only thing around him that doesn’t seem to be more than 30 years old is Ren’s shuttle sitting on the platform besides his.

He thinks he should maybe be more careful when leaving the shuttle, more strategic at least. This could be an ambush, after all. He strides out with confidence nevertheless, doesn’t even deny that his current behavior is fueled by an underlying anger and frustration. His uniform is pristine and crisp, but his insides seem to be on fire.

The duracrete seems to give under his shoes and he can feel the false memory of how it feels under his bare feet, even through the soles of his thick boots. For a second the memory of the dream brings something else with it, a feeling of deep calm. But he pushes it aside in favor of anger and strides on. ~~It’s easier.~~

It’s not hard to find Ren. He reckons he could have found him even without the invisible pull on the inside of his chest, which seems to keep dragging him into the knight’s direction. Yes, he has to descend the platform through a series of decrepit looking staircases, but once at the bottom, he sees Ren just standing there, right at the edge of the forest, waiting. He is here for him. He is not surprised about that, but at the same time startled to see him.

“You did something to me, did something with my head,” he bites out, ignoring every pretense of protocol. They are past that now. “What did you do?”

Ren just stands there, expression motionless. It is still strange to see him like this. To see his face. To know what it looks like and still be thrown off by it.  

He can feel the anger now, physically coursing through him, dragging itself through every fiber of his body. He doesn’t want to lose control; he never wants to lose control. Losing control is a sign of weakness. But at the same time he wants nothing more than to let go. He craves it. ~~It is terrifying.~~

“Answer me. What did you do?”

Ren just squares his jaw, muscles flexing, fist clenching. ~~Mirroring him.~~

He tries to hold on just a little while longer. Keep it together, remember your training. But it’s just there, flowing through him, like an invisible force –

 

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” he screams and he feels the energy bursting from him, palms prickling like they are crawling with electric currency.

 

Before he can really comprehend what is happening to him, Ren is swept up and crashed into the nearest tree.

 

For a long moment he can do nothing but stare. He did this. ~~No.~~ This was him. ~~Oh god no.~~ He knows this was him. ~~Please no.~~ And himself alone. ~~No.~~ This power is his. ~~Please please no.~~ He is—

“You need a teacher,” Ren says as he drags himself up from the ground. He looks determined. Pleased. This is not an offer. It’s a command. He can hear it echoing in his head, vibrating through his bones. ~~He wants to cave.~~

“And why do you think I care for your magic mumbo jumbo? Why do you think I would ever stoop so low?” he spits in Ren’s direction, pent up energy and frustration rolling off him in waves. He sees the leaves around him crumble with it, but he doesn’t fully register the fact that this is his doing. His focus is on Ren. Ren stalking towards him, boots heavy on the soft forest ground. His gaze is so intense it sends shivers down his spine. Between that and the energy rushing through him he is shaking like a leaf.

Ren is so close to him now, right in front of him, looming, all consuming, but not touching. Never touching. ~~He needs—~~ He pushes the energy against Ren again, puts the same force into it as he did to crash him into the tree. The knight doesn’t even twitch. ~~He let you win.~~

“You know why,” Ren says, just a whisper. It’s nearly lost in the wind, but it still echoes inside his head like a thousand screams.

Ren just leaves after that. The relentless energy pulsing through his veins seems to go with him. He sinks to his knees as if his strings have been cut. Breathless.

When he looks up again it’s to see only chaos around him. Cracked trees, crumbled leaves, the ground disturbed by heavy footsteps.

And he knows. Oh god he knows.

 

Because they are both chaos now.

 

~~And he can’t live like that.~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much again to finalizer-psytech for the amazing beta help, you are my rock!
> 
> Also thank you for all your wonderful comments, they give me life!! And because I always forget that, if you are interested, I do have a [tumblr](http://cathrinemccord.tumblr.com/) and I'd love for you to say hi :)


	3. Archived Memories File Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were wondering, we are [here](http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/1/10/EndorShieldGeneratorBunker-TCSBRBD2.png/revision/latest?cb=20130428060328)

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 1_ ]**

It takes another sleepless night in the uncomfortable bunk of his shuttle to make him actually consider it. When the light creeps into the shuttle and he is still staring blankly at the ceiling, nervous energy clinging to him like a parasite, he decides enough is enough. This might be unpleasant, but it is necessary.

So he gets up, no matter how tired he is. _Exhaustion or not, he keeps to a strict schedule._

He showers and shaves, puts his hair back prim and proper. The tiny cramped space of the shuttle's onboard 'fresher is not ideal; everything is made to be efficient and there is hardly space to turn around, but he still makes do. After all, appearances are vital for maintaining discipline. And this is what this is ultimately about, isn’t it? Discipline. Show ~~yourself~~ the Supreme Leader that you can keep it together, even when faced with a challenge like this.

He checks the Com-link of the shuttle first, gives himself time to read the reports of Phasma and his second in command. He informed them about his detour already while still on the way to Endor, leaving the details of it as vague as possible. He uses the time now to update his orders, adjust them to the time ~~he thinks~~ it will take him to finish here. He sends a quick status update to Phasma, showing his face via holo-projection, in hopes if she actually sees him she will be more inclined to keep any rumors about his departure in check.

He stands in front of his neatly hung uniform, hand already ghosting over the fabric of the collar, but in the end he lets it drop again. It somehow feels wrong to do this as a General. He is once again a cadet now, he realizes. Back at the Academy, albeit at a very different one.

He leaves the shuttle in a standard issue First Order Training Uniform. Black, pants and shirt made from a durable material, fitted for maximum range of movement. His feet are bare. ~~He wants to feel the duracrete underneath.~~

He sees Ren as soon as he steps outside. The knight sits cross-legged at the very edge of the Platform, back turned to him. He crosses the space with quick sure steps. If he is a cadet, then Ren is his Commanding Officer, he supposes. His personal feelings towards him don’t matter, it doesn’t matter how much they border on barely concealed distain. He is not above recognizing that Ren is the one with expertise here. He can learn from him. And he will.

“So the Supreme Leader knows, I suppose?” he asks as soon as he comes to a halt besides Ren. The knight just makes a noncommittal hum that could have been a yes. When he looks down at him, Ren's eyes are closed. He is not wearing his usual heavy cloak and armor; instead he is dressed in black, wide flowing pants and a long shirt. They look soft and way more comfortable than his own. They make Ren seem even broader, in comparison to his own clothes, which highlight all the places he needs to gain weight.

He drags his gaze away again, choosing instead to look into the vast depths of the forest. He takes two steps forward until he can curl his toes over the edge of the platform. The wind tests his balance, but he stays calm. He has full confidence that Ren would keep him from falling to his death. What would be the point of this otherwise?

“There was really no need for the weird dreams,” he says after a while “You could have just left me the coordinates via Com-Link, you know?”

“But where would have been the dramatic flair in that?” Ren answers with a shrug. It’s completely deadpan.

Their eyes meet for a second and despite themselves, ~~despite the hate,~~ they both feel a smile tugging at their lips. There is something about that, he thinks, about the way the corner of Ren’s mouth turns up. It makes him look away again. ~~Too much.~~

“We will start with mediation,” Ren says finally and shuffles around a little so they will face each other. “Sit down.”

He rolls his eyes but does at he’s told, folding himself in the same cross-legged position as Ren. Commanding Officer and all that. The knight is motionless again, eyes closed. The scar on his face is the only thing that destroys the illusion of peacefulness.  

 

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

 

Nothing happens.

 

And then everything happens all at once.

 

A sudden energy rushes through him. It’s completely different from what he felt running through him up until now. It’s complex and elaborate. ~~And yet so familiar.~~   _It’s not his._

And he is falling, falling so fast, spinning out of control, falling, falling, falling, _no no no—_

Rens hand wraps around his, grounding him in place. The touch prickles on his skin, feeling foreign and yet so achingly familiar. ~~It’s so gentle.~~ Even in his current state he realizes with startling clarity that this is the first time they actually touched. It threatens to throw him over the edge again. Falling. His breath becomes ragged.

 _Still._ The voice is there in his head, softly wrapping itself around his jagged thoughts. It should feel like an intrusion, but by now it just feels like a lost memory finally returning to him.   _Calm down._

He does.

_Close your eyes—_

He does.

_–and let go._

And finally he does. ~~Not really.~~

And suddenly he can **_feel_ ** Ren breathing beside him—

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. _Steady._ Inhale. _Follow my lead_. Exhale.

–and it’s the first time since the fall of Starkiller Base that it feels like the air is actually reaching his lungs.

 

That night he drags himself into his shuttle, too exhausted to do anything else than collapse into his cot.

His sleep is still restless and short.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 2_ ]**

He gets up. He showers. He shaves. He checks the status of the Finalizer. He goes to see Ren.

“What’s next?”

“Meditation. Sit.”

“You must be joking.”

“Sit.”

He does. Ren takes his hand without prompt this time. He resists the urge to draw it away. ~~He doesn’t really want to.~~  Remember: Commanding Officer. Be still. Learn. ~~Take his hand or you will go under.~~

 _This is bullshit_ , he thinks right before he closes his eyes. Ren squeezes his hand just a little too tight and he is suddenly and acutely aware that the knight heard him. He decides in a split second not to dwell on it. ~~It feels natural.~~

 

That night he doesn’t make it into his cot, but collapses right in front of it.

He wakes up barely two hours after, covered in sweat and aching all over.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 3_ ]**

He gets up ~~barely~~. He showers. He shaves. He checks the status of the Finalizer. He goes to see Ren.

“Why are you here?” he asks, as he folds himself into the same position as Ren, for the third day in a row.

“Snoke's orders. I am to train you.”

Ren is so eerily calm, and it unnerves him. He has been calm the whole time they’ve been here. When he thinks back on it, he had been calm even when he got into the shuttle to Snoke. No temper tantrums, no barely suppressed hate. He doesn’t like it. ~~He lost his high ground.~~

“As punishment?”

There is a sudden wave of emotions ghosting through the back of his mind at that. They are like a light breeze, and gone too fast for him to pick apart.  

“As part of my own training. Now close your eyes.”

He does.

They meditate.

He refuses to take Ren's hand when he offers it this time, just out of spite. It makes it nearly impossible to hold on, and more than once he is certain he is going to lose himself for good. ~~Ren always brings him back.~~

 

He is even more exhausted that night, but he still falls into a restless sleep.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 4_ ]**

He gets up ~~barely.~~ He showers. He shaves. He checks the status of the Finalizer ~~nothing new.~~ He goes to see Ren.

They meditate. Again.

Ren is calm. It should make it easier for him to focus, to accept him as the teacher he needs him to be right now, but it doesn’t. ~~There’s something off.~~ It frustrates him.

 

At night he drags himself into the shuttle just to wake up exhausted.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 5_ ]**

And again.

He gets up ~~barely.~~ He showers. He shaves ~~his hands shake so bad he cuts himself three times.~~ He checks the status of the Finalizer ~~nothing new.~~ He goes to see Ren.

The knight is deeply calm, even as Hux hand shakes when he takes it in his. Hux thinks about jumping off the platform just to rile Ren up.

 

He is so tired he can barely keep himself up.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 6_ ]**

“I’m not doing this anymore.” He  stays put when Ren motions him to sit, no matter how tempting it is to fall to the floor. His legs feel like they will give out any second. ~~He is so tired.~~ He keeps his voice even. Professional. “I have no idea why you are actually here, but I do plan on returning to the Finalizer as soon as possible, so I would very much appreciate it if we could move this along.”

Instead of an answer, the knight just stares at him from where he is sitting on the floor. He thinks he feels contempt radiating from Ren. ~~Masking another emotion.~~ Good. ~~Bad.~~ He raises an eyebrow at him.  

“You have a problem with this?”

“Sit,” is all Ren says and for a moment he ~~wishes~~ fears that the knight would physically drag him down.

 _Stay calm. Follow orders_ , he keeps repeating in his head.

“I’m done with this,” he bites out instead, and he feels his professionalism slipping away as fast as his ability to stand upright.

“No. You need this.” Ren draws himself up to his full height. ~~It makes him feel small.~~ He squares his shoulder and sets his jaw and every muscle of his body hurts. “Your mind is a mess. You need to embrace the power of the Force.”

Somehow ~~clearly~~ this is what makes him snap. After nearly a week of useless meditation, after six days of dragging himself to his shuttle every night, after every hour of restless sleep and waking up more exhausted than the day before. After over a month of headaches, of this feeling at the back of his neck, gripping, pulling, dragging him out of himself, waking up gasping in the middle of the night. ~~After all these thoughts that aren’t his.~~

_You need to embrace it._

 

He.

 

Snaps.

 

Ren is catapulted over the length of the platform until he crashes down in front of his shuttle. He sees true surprise in the knight’s eyes this time. The rush flowing through his body at that is so, so satisfying.

He feels Ren hitting the ground, feels every emotion of the knight (surprise, ~~awe,~~ anger, ~~worry~~ ) mirrored in himself, as if he was right inside his head. He sees his own crooked grin reflected through what must be the view Ren has of him now.

He feels panic flooding his mind as his eyes roll back and he collapses backwards over the edge of the platform in complete exhaustion.

 

He feels the fall, but never the impact.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 7 - DAY_ ]**

He wakes up feeling like he is still falling down, certain he will hit the ground. He jerks up violently, nearly choking on his own breath. It takes his hands twisting in sheets that are not the standard issued bedclothes he has in his shuttle's cot, to realize the bed he is in is not his.

And it is a bed, an actual bed, not just a cot tucked efficiently between the bulkheads of a shuttle. His hands ghost over the soft material of the sheets, unknown, foreign, before he raises them to bury his head in his palms.

He is exhausted. Still. So. Fucking. Exhausted.

“Ren!” he calls, a sudden spark of anger raising his voice. The tips of his fingers prickle as he lets them fall from his face to ball them into fists.

“I’m here,” comes the soft reply from the corner of the room and he nearly shrieks. Ren was here the whole time, waiting, watching him from the shadow. How did he not notice him? ~~He feels so familiar.~~

Deep breaths. You got to press on. Cadet. Commanding Officer. Remembe—

“Fuck,” he curses, because there is just no energy left in him to feign professionalism. Maybe this is torture, he thinks absentmindedly; maybe this is his punishment for the debacle on Starkiller. As if he doesn’t blame himself enough for his failure. ~~For all the lives he lost.~~

“How long have you been sitting here?” he asks, but Ren doesn’t answer. Instead he rises from his post and takes the few steps to sit down on the edge of the bed. It ~~should feel~~ feels like an intrusion. ~~It’s soothing.~~

“You are exhausted because you use up all your energy to push against something you should embrace,” Ren says, voice intent and eyes ablaze. “You’ve been given incredible power, a chance to be something more than you are now. Don’t try to cast it away. Embrace it.”

“Why the fuck do you think I want this?”

“How could you not?” Ren bites out and there it is, finally, finally there is the rage he has been waiting for. The rage he knows.  He can work with that. Work with the way Ren's eyes seem to be on fire, the way they bore into him. The way his chest heaves with every angry breath.

“What did you think would happen? That you teach me the ways of the mighty Force and I become one of your loyal Knights of Ren?” he bites out just the same, his own anger cool and calculated.

Ren just stares at him, eyebrows drawn, chest still heaving in anger.

“Because I can tell you right now – that won’t happen. I will learn to control this, with or without your help, and then I will return to the Finalizer to command my fleet and hunt down the Resistance once and for all. And the only difference will be that I will now personally be able to keep you from doing any more property damage.”

“You really think that.” He doesn’t say it as a comeback. Ren sounds genuinely surprised, some of the anger visibly going up into thin air.

Hux squares his shoulders, arms crossed over his chest and jaw set in defiance.  “Yes, of course I do.”

“This is not all, though,” Ren says, and his voice takes on the calm inquisitive tone again, the one that makes his skin crawl. “There is another reason. Why you can’t accept this as the gift that it is.”

The knight leans closer and despite himself Hux leans back until his shoulder hit the wall. The tables have turned again. The way Ren looks at him, leaning impossibly closer with such an intense calm. He loathes it. ~~It makes him feel out of control.~~

“Get out of my head.”

“No,” Ren says, but it sounds more like _I can’t_.

Hux pushes back against the intrusion, uses what little control of the Force he has to get Ren out of his head. The attempt seems futile, as if his mind doesn’t even register Ren's presence as an intrusion worth fighting against. ~~Like he is supposed to be there.~~

“You’re afraid—”

“No.”

“—Of what this will do to you if you embrace it. Of who you will become.”

“Don’t be ridicu—“

“—You’re afraid you won’t be able to go back to who you were. That they won’t follow you anymore.”

 

He uses his last bit of energy to storm out of the shuttle.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 7 - NIGHT_ ]**

He lies in his cot that night, like so many nights before, restless, sleepless, head full and empty at the same time. He needs to sleep. He desperately needs to sleep. He can’t even deny it anymore, or bury it under order and protocol. ~~There is none of it left.~~

He finds himself padding over to Ren's shuttle, duracrete mercilessly cold under his bare feet.  

He doesn’t even know why he is here. ~~Yes he does.~~ Just that it makes _sense._

He makes it into Ren's quarters relatively upright, but collapses onto the edge off the bed as soon as it’s in reach. The knight doesn’t seem alarmed sitting up as he watches Hux sit down. ~~He was waiting for him.~~

The silence is heavy and oppressive and he thinks about just lying down and closing his eyes then and there, but he can’t he knows he can’t. He needs to—

 

“I’m _so_ tired,” he whispers, admitting defeat with eyes staring into Ren's in defiance.

 

Ren nods then, careful and calculating. After a few breathless seconds he scoots to his side, offering space for Hux to lie down. He does without a second thought, not even bothering to get under the covers. Ren drapes them over him with a flick of his wrist.

They lie there, side by side, looking at each other, eyes blind in the dark. There is no need for light, he finds. He can feel him. Can feel every breath Ren takes shuddering through him as if it was his own. He doesn’t dare touch him. ~~But he wants to.~~

Ren raises his hand then, ghosting the tips of his fingers over his temple and he feels himself being dragged under instantly.The sensation is new and strange and he feels his hand reach out on its own accord just as everything falls silent.

He falls asleep with his hand wrapped around the corner of Ren's shirt. ~~Holding on for dear life.~~

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 8_ ]**

He blinks his eyes open slowly, for a moment startled by the softness around him. Everything feels like it has been wrapped in cotton. His head doesn’t throb like so many mornings before ~~only the pull at the back of his mind is left.~~ His muscles and joints ache only minimally. He doesn’t feel at his best, but he also doesn’t feel crushed by exhaustion. He belatedly realizes this is due to the fact that he must have slept at least 12 hours, instead of just two.

And then the first thing his eyes focus on is Ren. ~~His breath hitches.~~ The knight is still lying beside him, curled on his side, face so much closer to Hux than he remembered. It’s such a strange novelty, it takes him more than just a few seconds to get used to it enough to think about the implications. ~~He likes it.~~

Ren is still asleep. His body is all soft edges, broad shoulders peeking out from under the covers. His chest rises and falls in calm regular breaths and Hux finds himself absentmindedly wondering if it’s unusual for someone who is trained to kill to sleep so peacefully besides another being. ~~He wonders if maybe Ren needed him to fall asleep the same way Hux did.~~

There is a strange sensation to this situation, like it’s not real, existing in some kind of parallel universe. Like it’s ok for him to just lie here, unmoving, watching Ren sleep. ~~Like it’s ok to feel so at peace.~~

It takes him up until this point to realize his hand is still wrapped tightly around the corner of Ren's shirt. Not touching. Never, never touching. ~~_He wants to touch._~~

It snaps him back to reality.

He draws his hand away just a bit too quickly and Ren's eyes snap open in an instant. His hand shoots forward ~~to keep him here,~~ but he stops it mid air, just before he can grab Hux's wrist.

He is not a coward, ~~but oh god oh god his heart is beating so fast and his stomach is turning, turning, turning, breath stuck in his throat,~~ but he knows the value of a tactical retreat and so that is what he does. ~~His heart is beating so so fast.~~

He foregoes his training that day, protocol be damned, doesn’t even have it in him to look at Ren. He showers and shaves like every day, checks the status on the Finalizer, but as he strides out of his shuttle he purposefully avoids going up to Ren. The knight sits at the edge of the platform as usual. ~~Steady and comforting.~~

He descends the platform instead, goes for a run in the forest surrounding it. When he as no energy left to run anymore he keeps walking, exploring the area around him. He doesn’t really care about terrain like this, is much more at ease on the deck of a Star Destroyer, where he grew up. He still finds himself oddly curious at his surroundings.

The whole time he feels Ren with him, a presence at the back of his mind. Ever watchful, uncharacteristically patient. ~~Something else.~~

It should be disconcerting. It really should. ~~It isn’t.~~

He lies awake that night in his own cot.

Ren is still there, at the back of his mind.

He knows he could just get up and go to him. Knows he could let the knight drag him into blissful sleep with just the slightest touch. He knows he could give in to the ache that has started to grip his chest like a vice.

He doesn’t.

 

~~He can’t lose control.~~

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 9-13 ~~BLURRING TOGETHER~~_ ]**

He gets up ~~barely.~~ He showers ~~tiredly.~~ He shaves ~~his hands still shake.~~ He checks the status of the Finalizer ~~nothing new.~~ He goes to see Ren ~~barely concealing his frustration.~~

At night he drags himself into bed and doesn’t sleep. ~~He wants nothing more than— oh god he wants so badly to go to—~~

The routine sticks, never changing. _Exhaustion or not, he keeps to a strict schedule._

Never once in his life he thought that routine might be the thing to break him one day.

Oh, but he is breaking.

Coming apart at the seams and he wants to—

But he doesn’t know how to—

He can’t—

 _KEEP IT TOGETHER,_ he reminds himself forcefully, repeating it like a mantra every second he can’t fall asleep. Burning it into his mind while his nails leave imprints in the palms of his clenched fists.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 14_ ]**

“You need to give in to it, accept it,” Ren tells him again, just like he did what seems like a lifetime ago. No. Not like that. There is something different to his voice, something to the way he looks at him. ~~There has been for days now.~~

“It’s not like you are making this any easier,” he finds himself saying, snapping really; he cannot remember if he actually adhered to protocol the last few days or not. There are too many things he feels that he cannot remember. What does it matter anyways?

No. There is still protocol to keep up. You get up, you shower, you shave, you _keep it together._

He is still a soldier. So he squares his shoulders ~~they ache~~ and waits for Ren's reply.

It doesn’t come for a long time. They just sit there in front of each other, legs crossed, ready to fall back into meditation any second. Ren keeps stock still like that ~~nearly vibrating with suppressed energy~~ cocking his head to the side ever so slightly.

“You blame me. For what happened on Starkiller,” he says finally and the tone of his voice nearly makes Hux choke on his own breath. It’s so … _soft_. Like he understands him, truly, deeply understands what it feels like to—

“What?” he blinks, startled for a second, but his voice is hard when he speaks again. “That’s beside the point. There is nothing about the events that I can change now. Can we just continue the training?”

“But you do, don’t you?”

 _No_ , he thinks unbidden, thoughts flowing freely from a place in his mind he is too exhausted to protect, _I blame myself._

Ren's whole face seems to crumble at that, sudden and unexpected like the thoughts themselves. Hux is taken back instantly, to the snow, the cold, the shattering planet and the blood under the soles of his boots. _The heartache._ There is so much emotion on Ren's face, for just an instant, just a second and Hux wants to, he wants Ren to—

~~–never have to look so lost again.~~

“It doesn’t matter,” Hux spits, rising to his feet, his angry voice cutting through the silence. “We failed. But we will move on. Because that’s what you do as a Soldier, you keep steady and you press on, even when you feel like screaming and ripping the world apart.”

He is pacing now and he never does this ~~even if he wants to~~ , it’s a waste of energy. But he does now, he paces, even as Ren rises to his feet as well, even when his breath threatens to become short angry gasps.

“And it doesn’t matter, whatever this is,” he continues, gesturing vaguely between them as Ren gets closer. “Because it is just another problem to solve another obstacle to overcome and I won’t ‘give in to it’, because that’s not how it fucking works Ren, you don’t give in, _you keep it together_!”

He knows he is screaming the last part, but Ren is so close now and he feels like this is his last line of defense. Like his anger can keep him from—

~~Giving in.~~

“You don’t get to tell me to ‘give in’ or to ask me about things that don’t matter anymore,” he spits low and full of hatred ~~and frustration.~~  “Because despite what you might believe you have no actual fucking idea what goes on in my head.”

 

_You have no idea what it’s like to feel so out of control and have my mind telling me that you are the only sanctuary._

 

The air is crackling around them, threatening to split them in two. Ren looms over him, impossibly tall, menacing, ~~and so comforting.~~ This is fight or flight now, Hux knows, make or break. He can feel the energy rolling off Ren, the rage and hatred matching his own. For a moment he thinks he will die here, thinks that they will kill each other, just because it is easier than feeling like this.

His heart beats impossibly faster as Ren takes a final step forward, his hands raising to take Hux's collar in a ~~desperate~~ vice grip. Their chests are flush against each other and he can feel the other man shaking with suppressed emotions. He braces himself for the blow, for being choked or flung across the platform; he has no illusions about being a match for Ren. Deep breath, show no fear, and then—

 

—Ren's forehead falls against his, pressing desperately closer.

 

“But I do,” he says, voice ragged and broken like he is in pain. He can’t seem to keep still, forehead pressing impossibly closer, the tip of his nose nuzzling into Hux's cheek, in something achingly close to affection. The hands holding onto his collar shake. “ _Of. Course. I. Do._ ”

And then he sees it, like gates opening for everything to spill through. All the things and emotions Ren has been hiding from him, in plain sight. How he can’t sleep either, how he was already lying awake the first time Hux came to him, how he sat in front of Hux shuttle every night he wouldn’t go to him after that. How his hands shake in union with Hux’s when he takes them in his. How he can’t actually do anything more than meditating, his mind a mess, struggling to put himself back together, as much as Hux. How he is _oh so fucking terrified_ of what is happening here. How he is desperately trying to _keep it together._

~~**_How he wants to give in so badly._ ** ~~

There seems to be no air left in Hux's lungs, stuttering breath rolling over shaking lips. The place where Ren's hands grab his collar are hot and heavy, burning him up from the inside out. He can feel his breath on his cheek, just as ragged as his. He ~~**_wants to touch_**~~ doesn’t know what to do. He balls his hands into fists at his side to keep them still. It ends ~~too soon~~ with Ren snapping his posture straight again and stalking away without another word. Connection lost. ~~But never gone.~~

 _Don’t go_ , Hux's mind screams in betrayal and he can see the missed beat in Ren's step. ~~Feel the hesitation.~~ But Hux keeps his ground, shoulders square and fists shaking at his sides, and so does Ren, walking away without a glance back.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 15-17 COMPRESSED_ ]**

Ren is gone without a trace.

No sight of him. No presence at the back of his mind. ~~And he waits for it, he does.~~ Nothing.

It takes Hux 1 ½ Days to get his bearings together enough to check in with Phasma. There is a shadow of a beard on his face and he hopes with all he as she won’t see it over the shaky transmission of the Com-Link. If she notices she doesn’t show it, keeping her report professional as usual.

There is no change in the status of the Finalizer, but there is a certain kind of strain in her voice that he is not sure he might just imagine. ~~He doesn’t.~~ He itches to ask about the rumors that must have certainly spread, about him, his sudden disappearance, Ren. The General gone just a month after the debacle of Starkiller Base. It unnerves him to think about the implications. While he doesn’t like to dabble in rumors, finds them petty and unnecessary, he still recognizes the need to be aware of them. Of what they can do to a ship's already low morale.

Still, he doesn’t ask. This is not the relationship he has with ~~anyone~~ Phasma.

He thinks about checking in with Mitaka for a second, just to see if he will be surprised to see him.

He doesn’t. He ends the transmission, professional, back straight and voice firm.

And then he just stands there. Undecided. ~~Feeling empty.~~ Waiting for—

He runs his shaky hand over his face, feels the stubble on his cheeks.

He knows he needs to shower, shave, should have done that before contacting the Finalizer, shouldn’t he? _Exhaustion or not, he keeps to a strict sched—_

“Fuck.”

~~What’s the point?~~

Observation: He is fucking miserable.

 ~~Realization~~ Truth: He _knows_ no protocol will change that. ~~Ren could. No **, no, no** , _NO_ —~~

He ends up sitting in the cockpit of the shuttle for nearly half a day. He thinks about leaving ~~but never in earnest.~~ Punches in the coordinates to the Finalizer just to see how it feels. ~~Wrong.~~

In the end, when he can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t leave, ~~when his hands shake and his chest seems too tight for him to breath,~~ he tries to meditate.

~~It doesn’t work for shit.~~

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 18 - NIGHT_ ]**

When Ren comes back after three days, he smells like the forest.

Hux is sitting in his cot, waiting. He felt Ren's presence as soon as he came close to the platform. ~~He’s been _waiting_ .~~ It’s just his heartbeat picking up first, just a little, a hitch of his breath. And then the feeling at the back of his mind is there again. So achingly familiar. ~~Making him feel whole again.~~ And he can _breathe_ again.

The three minutes of suspense until Ren finally walks into his shuttle feel worse than anything he felt in the last three _days_.  

Ren doesn’t speak. _He doesn’t have to._ Because Hux _knows._ He can feel the exhaustion, the resignation, ~~the want.~~ This unspoken thing between them, which they can’t quite quantify and still feel so intimately.

“Where the _fuck_ where you?” Hux hisses all the same, voice coming out more desperate than venomous.

Ren doesn’t answer, the only sound from him a feral growl as he collapses on the edge of Hux's cot. It’s crammed here, not as spacious as it was in Ren's shuttle. And even if it were, it wouldn’t make a difference, because Ren's hands are on him instantly, one snatching the front of his shirt, the other grabbing the back of his neck ~~so gently.~~ They yank him _closer_.

Hux throws his hands out, fists colliding with Ren's chest, _pushing_ , pushing with his last bit of resolve and misplaced anger. It doesn’t matter that it’s futile to resist now, he keeps pushing against it still, because that’s what he does, what he has done his whole life, done so perfectly—

 

Keep it together. ~~Keep it together.~~ **_Keep it together._**

 **_Don’t._ ** ~~_Let me in, please, please, let me in._~~

 

“ _Where were you?!”_ he howls again, throwing it between them like a wrench. And he pushes, hands wrapped around Ren's throat, yanking at whatever he can catch of his hair. Pushes desperately until Ren's forehead collides with his and their breaths mingle, ragged and broken and he can feel Ren's arms drawing steady around him.

 

Until he realizes he stopped pushing.

Until he feels his own arms around Ren, fingers digging into broad shoulders, drawing him as close as he will go.

 

_It hurts when you are not here._

 

He has no idea who of them thought it. ~~But it’s true.~~

“But I hate you,” Hux whispers as he is fully embraced by Ren, arms wrapped so tightly around each other it’s hard to breathe. ~~But so comforting.~~ It has no venom behind it. No real strength anymore. He still repeats it as he buries his face in the crook of Ren's neck, letting himself be pulled onto the mattress of the cot. “I hate you.”

“I know,” Ren murmurs, voice soft with exhaustion, lips pressed into the crown of Hux hair. “I know.”

 

They fall asleep like this, tangled into each other ~~and finally at peace.~~

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 19 - NIGHT_ ]**

He wakes up to dark and warmth and _peace._ It startles him so much, that just for a second it’s hard to breathe. And then there are hands stroking over his back and just the softest touch of lips ghosting over his temple.    

 _Calm. It’s ok._ _~~You~~ _ _We are alright._

He blinks his eyes open fully, adjusting to the dark. He realizes with a starting clarity that they slept nearly 24 hours. Wrapped around each other.

There is just the faintest shimmer of light reaching them, haunting shadows dancing on Rens face, the scar illuminated in an abstract sort of beauty. Hux wants to touch- _and this time he does._

He reaches out his hand to comb away a wayward strand from Ren's face, as gentle as possible. He finds himself oddly thrown by the realization of how unpracticed he is in touching someone like this.

Ren's hand shoots up just before his fingertips touch his cheek. He wraps his fingers around Hux's wrist gently but firmly and for a second his heart drops. There is this sudden irrational fear in his chest, that he somehow broke the spell, that it’s all over now, that he will have to go back to feeling like a part of him is being ripped out over and over again.   

But Ren takes his hand, pulls it closer until he can nuzzle his face into Hux's palm and for a moment, oh for a moment, this is worse. Because his heart is beating so impossibly fast, his breath stuttering as Ren kisses his palm. He is so unused to this that he is not yet sure if he likes the feeling. ~~He does, he _does_.~~

“I want to show you something,” Ren murmurs after a while.

“What is it then?” he asks, trying to give his voice the usual annoyed edge. ~~And failing miserably.~~

“Come with me.”

It takes a while to untangle themselves from each other, but eventually Ren leads him out of the shuttle into the still of the night. The duracrete is cold under his still bare feet, but it is welcome this time. It makes him feel even more awake. He closes his eyes for a second to inhale the nighttime air. When he opens them Ren seems to be gone.

“Ren?” he asks into the dark, for a moment afraid that this is just some stupid joke.

“I’m here.” Comes the reply from behind him and suddenly something is pressed into his hand, cold and heavy. _Powerful._ His fingers curl around Ren's lightsaber.

Ren is behind him, so close he can feel the heat radiating from him, but not yet touching. He seems to want to make a point, and Hux lets him. He knows what this is about.

“Ignite it.” It’s a command and a plea at the same time.

He does. ~~There is no hesitation anymore.~~

The red of the blade cuts through the dark of the night, illuminating the world around them in bright red flames.

There is a power coursing through him, instantly, red and hot like the blade of the saber. He draws his hands around the hilt tighter, knuckles white, and just as he feels like the power is going to burn him up inside—

 

—the last bit _clicks_.

 

No matter the bond he so clearly has with Ren, **_this power._ ** The Force.

It’s under his control. His to command.

He can burn the world down with it at his wish.

 

“See,” Ren says, voice coated in something so dark, he can do nothing more than relish it. “You don’t have to be afraid. They won’t just follow you.”

Ren wraps his hands around Hux's on the hilt and Hux's whole body seems to cave, head dropping back against Ren's shoulder. He can feel the knight’s breath on his neck as he leans down to whisper in his ear.

“They will bow to you.”

 

In this moment, for all that happened in the last month, this is the one thing he truly believes to be true.

 

**CATALOGUED MEMORY [ _ENDOR DAY 8 – NIGHT HIGHLIGHTED_]**

He stands at the edge of the platform later that night, long after Ren has tucked the lightsaber back somewhere into the depth of his shuttle. The wind is whipping around him, hair tousled by it.

Something has changed. He knows it, can feel it deep within.

He feels Ren step up behind him, soundless and still overwhelming in his presence.

Yes, something has changed. He can feel it. _Deep within._ They both can.

“I never asked for this,” he says into the silence of the night. His voice is clear and strong, stark against the brisk air around them. He relishes the cold of it, prickling against his skin.

He relishes ~~more~~ the warmth radiating off Ren just inches behind him.

He turns his head, lips nearly brushing the scar on the knight's cheek. They are so close without touching. Keeping their distance while drawn together with relentless force. Their eyes meet for a second and he turns to look ahead again.

“But I will conquer it,” he whispers. No doubt. No fear.

Ren lets his head fall against the back of his then, his arms wrapping around Hux's waist, drawing him against his chest. The contact draws a shuddering breath from both their lips.

 _I know_ , radiates through his mind, just like the heat radiates through his body, ~~like a promise.~~

They stay like that for a while – Hux staring out into the night and what lies ahead of ~~him~~  them, Ren with his forehead resting against the back of his head, staring into ~~his~~ their mind.

They both sleep just fine that night.

 

~~Tangled up in each other.~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry about the delay! But real life is going strong and I also rewrote this chapter to get it “perfect”. Thank you so much to finalizer-psytech again for keeping me motivated and making sure there are no mistakes in here! 
> 
> If you wanna come talk to me you can do so [here](http://cathrinemccord.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Also thank you for all your comments, I love you all!!

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea for the fic from lifeonfinalizer’s amazing [art](http://lifeonfinalizer.tumblr.com/post/138312532463/in-an-au-where-hux-belatedly-develops-force) and then finalizer-psytech’s headcanons (and research) did the rest! Also the biggest fucking thank you to psytech for being my beta and keeping me motivated!


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